Tips on How to Throw a Party That Doesn't Suck

Dear Neighbors,

I noticed you had a party last night. I think everyone within a 3 block radius did. Maybe you were unaware of what kind of sound is produced when you combine a microphone, amps, and the acoustics of tall buildings but I am here to tell you IT IS FUCKING LOUD. I just have a couple of thoughts, pointers even, for next time. Before I start listing things, though, I will thank you for starting early. So, now, onto what I really want to say:

1. Party Host Who Introduced the Band - SHUT UP. Only Barack Obama can talk for that long and keep people's attention. Also, no getting back on the mic later to have a moment of silence for your mother. Maybe that's touching before Thanksgiving dinner but not during a party, especially one you're forcing the entire neighborhood to partake in.

2. Lead Singer - Do not have conversations with your friends in the audience into the microphone. I can only hear your "Yeah, man, I know" and 'Wow, nice night out". In fact, you really shouldn't be saying much at all. Let go of the "How ya'll feeling?" because even though you have a full band behind you, you sure don't have an amphitheater of people in front of you. Also, say the name of your band more often or, even, just once. That way I can post this on your myspace page. You may want to take up playing rhythm guitar or something, too, so you have something to do with your hands other than hold a beer. You got drunk. Fast.

3. Free Stylers post 10 PM - Oh man, you should be glad we could only hear you and not see you. If I know who was ending every weak verse with "fucking mother fucker" I would have a better idea of who was completely undeserving of my respect. Now you can creep along through your daily life without having to be judged forever by me. Lucky for you, I suppose.

4. "Karaoke" Fools - Please, please, please never sing over your favorite song into a microphone. I bet it sounds pretty good in your head or maybe even when you sing loudly in a group. In real life, though, it's hard for me to forgive you for ruining MJ's "Rock With You".

5. Anyone Associated with Throwing this Party - Hide the microphone. Better yet, there should never be a microphone around any of your friends. I used to think you guys were cool. Now, not so sure. In the future, keep your noise pollution to a minimum and we should be alright.

the dangers of having 2 lunchboxes

I leave uneaten food in my lunchbox. Back when I had one lunchbox, it would only be for a night or maybe, at worst, over the weekend. Therefore food didn't really have a chance to spoil... too much. However, I have since acquired a second lunchbox. Now instead of being forced to throw away the food so I can use the lunchbox, I can just use the other one. That leaves a much larger window of time for rotting. In the summer. Fruit flies. Shudder.

Today there were fruit flies around my desk. I thought they just flew in from the kitchen on a reconnaissance mission. I tried to clap them into oblivion and then starting clearing things off my desk so I could put my computer there. On the desk. Where you think it'd might belong (but you'd be wrong (the desk is much too far away from the bed!)). Then I noticed the desk had a big stain on it. First thought, get my Mac as far away from that stain as possible. Second thought, whaaat is that? I quickly realized something had leaked from my lunchbox.

Strawberries. Mashed. Fermented. And to think I had been worried about the salmon I knew was in there!

The redness had seeped onto, what else, my clean load of whites which were folded and sitting on my desk.*

That reminds me of another rotten fruit surprise.

When I went to GA during spring break of my junior year, we stopped in Savannah for a couple of day. I was digging through my backpack, most likely the same backpack I used everyday, I felt some unidentifiable mushiness in the bottom of one pocket. I looked in and saw an orange. It was no longer orange. It was green and all over my sparkly leopard-print bra! No!

Kind of looks like planet there, just floating, rotting, etc.

So I guess that's that... for now.

Beware rotting fruit! Don't say I didn't warn you.

*Don't worry, thanks to Emily I am a fucking stain master. Cold water. Dishwashing soap.

I do what I do

I am red wine drunk and hanging out with myself. It's kinda nice. I've been watching some Law & Order: SVU on Netfilx and I'm sort of amazed at what a different show it is without commercials. I've always liked the show but I feel like there is more depth than I realized when watching it on TBS. 

Right now I am completely fulfilling the purpose of the blog. To just fucking talk. Man, for real, I have to talk. I just have things to say - whether they are important or not is not really of consequence.

This weekend is going to fun. Last weekend (and the weekend before (and the weekend before)) was fun. The following weekend will be fun too. I have, like, a million parties to go to. It's a little bit true. I think it is a symptom of the summer, there is so much hanging out to do. 

I have been wearing my glasses, rather than contacts, for a week and I feel like a different person - well, I feel like the same person but I look different. Like nerdy and/or mature different and I don't really want to be either of those things. I had pink eye last week and now I think my other eye is infected. Gross, right? I just want to be Regular Rachel not Glasses Rachel. 

Well, I'm going to write in my journal now and, no, you can't read it.

BByyeeeeye

In My New Life

I live a new life now. 

I listen to Neil Young's After the Goldrush instead of Everybody Knows This is Nowhere. 

I live in 19104, not 19143.

I spend my weeknights alone, usually. 

I can only hear the sirens in the distance instead of speeding past my house. 

I watch movies on Netflix instead of HBO on demand.

I wonder if people are lying.

I read www.textsfromlastnight.com instead of www.fmylife.com

Beefless

And now for this breaking news:

** This is not the breaking news I had intended to write about but as soon I finished typing "breaking news" I knocked over a full glass of water. While it didn't break, it did spill. Everywhere. **

So, back to the original breaking news, I just created a brilliant snack. It's a hamburger without the hamburger. All you need is 2 slices of carbs (roll, bread, english muffin), some cheddar cheese, lettuce, and tomato (if you want to take it there). If you're me, put some mayonnaise on it. Add ketchup and enjoy. Who needs beef? 

I thought that was worth sharing with the world.

Missed Connections

I am one of the many people who peruse Missed Connections looking for one written for me. There are a couple I'd like to see:

Subj: Cute Blonde in Clark Park

I love your style. I spotted your brightly colored dress first and was happy to see you had a smile to match. You met your friend and sipped on 40's while I played with my dog, a pit/boxer mix, nearby. You seem interesting. Can I take you out?

Subj: You Were Right

I was wrong. You mean everything to me and I will spend the rest of my life proving it to you.

Subj: Hey Girl

Hi. I see you all around the neighborhood and you always look like you're having such a good time, no matter who you're with. I think we have a lot in common - we're both intelligent, smart, and pretty. Wanna hang out sometime? We can tear up the town and never look back. Let's be BFF!

Yes, any of those missed connections will do. I'd even settle for one from an ex who's heart I broke and has never gotten over me.

I just spent a few minutes pressing "Next Blog" and marveling at the different things that came up. I was most surprised to see that all these blogs have an agenda or a point or something.

I suppose it could be argued that this blog has a point - for me to say whatever I want - but I might argue that's pointless. I think that's best. I can't be held accountable to a point, for heaven's sake! I need a platform! I need to speak without thinking, to write whatever comes to mind. Like a dog whose owner takes him for a run to wear him out, when I get home I might be all talked out and then wouldn't feel the need to say as many pointless things as I often do. Theoretically, the energy I do have can be used to deliver finely tuned statements that bring people to their knees.

Have you seen the Sex and the City movie? I have. I liked it. It made me wonder - does every woman think she is the Carrie in her group of friends, like I do, or do people identify just as often with characters in supporting roles? Hhhmm. And why is it that when you're going through something major, all the media around you seems to relate fully to what you're experiencing? Why do all the songs speak directly to your situation? Characters on TV deal with similarly gut-wrenching scenarios and you're both horrified and comforted by their pain. Why is that? Why?

If you could get back to me on that, I'd appreciate it.

Advice for Life

If all else fails, take pictures of yourself (looking in a mirror is also acceptable). Put on a costume. Tie a ribbon in your hair. Sunglasses? Put some music on. Beyonce? The Bird and The Bee. 

If all else fails, look at this list: www.youshouldhaveseenthis.com. Watch the newscaster fall and moan more than once.

If all else fails, watch Intervention. It always offers perspective. When is DogTown coming on? I love happy endings.

If all else fails, make A List. Try to cross one thing off it by the end of the day. ex: Make lunch. Check. ex: Travel to Spain. Less Check. 

If all else fails, call Emily. Sit in the backyard. 

If all else fails, organize your iTunes. Correctly name all "track 01"s, etc.

If all else fails, write in your journal (it's like a blog only a little more private). Get a nice pen. 

If all else fails, go for a walk. Or, better yet, research nearby gyms. On the computer. Then add "join gym" to A List.