Cat and Dog Blog

For so long, Apollo the cat would not drink water out of his bowl. He would drink out of, and subsequently knock over, glasses of water, hang out in this shower and even drink out of the toilet but he would not drink out of his bowl. I quickly learned water could not be left unattended or he'd fuck with it. Paw prints graced the toilet seat. So eventually, I did what any person would do and googled it. I read that separating the food and water was helpful. It wasn't just helpful, it was the answer. I moved the water out of the kitchen and he was drinking out of it soon after. Interesting, right? A scientist, maybe a zoologist, should research that.

"Oh, excuse me, Janitor?"

"Yes, Scientist?"

Half Baked, anyone?

Recently my favorite shows have been about dogs. Did you think I was going to say cats? No, dogs. I really like dogs the best. So there is this show on the National Geographic channel (which shall henceforth be referred to as NatGeo) called DogTown is my favorite dog show. It's about this pretty expansive no-kill animal shelter that focuses on rehabilitating dogs and getting them into loving homes. In many ways, I like DogTown for the same reason I like Intervention. The subject/character has gone through some serious shit in their lives and they believe they can never be happy. They have essentially given up and their self esteem is low until someone gives them a second chance at life. Beautiful, I know. But, see, you could never have a show about cats like that (though I think there is a cat branch. CatLand, maybe? CatCounty?) because if cats are like people, they're like cold people who rarely smile.

"Kittens! Inspired by Kittens!"

Totally going to make mac and cheese, do some dishes, and watch The Office and 30 Rock. Maybe, if I'm lucky, there will be an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm on before I go to bed. Did I mention Adam is out of town? It's probably obvious... you know, because of all the ballinnnn I'm doing. New season of DogTown starts tomorrow night! I'm not that lame though. Tomorrow is Friday and I'm totally going out. But I will catch the new episode when I'm lying on the couch on Saturday morning.

Byyeee.

Whhyyyy-eeee

If I make responsible choices, can't the world reciprocate?

Today, for example, I decided to come into work to get a few things done. Yay. When I was ready to leave work and have a regular Saturday afternoon the world said "NO!". The trains aren't running. I am stuck. Stuck at work. It's not even cool like if I worked at a mall and I got stranded there I would be able to eat some food, try on some clothes, slide on my knees in the halls, swim in the fountain and even sleep on a pillow top mattress at Macy's if it came to that. But no, instead I am here, in a box with no windows. To make matters less enjoyable, I forgot my cell phone this morning so not only do I have no one to talk to but I also can't go outside to hang out because I have to stay here, by my desk phone, so when someone who can give me a ride calls back I'll be here. No phone, no windows, no regular Saturday afternoon.

Also, while I have you here, I want to tell you about something I've been considering. Why do people always say newborn babies are so beautiful. I mean, I guess life is beautiful but newborns are not. They look weird, let's be real. I'm just tired of all these Facebook comments on everyone's pictures of their slimy kids. "Oh, she's beautiful!". Nu-uh dude, you're baby looks like a little raisin. I think babies are cute, sure, but I'll judge people in my mind if they ever tell me (in the future) that my little worm (baby) is beautiful. Well, until later when it will be. Beautiful. Later.

Boooooo. Boooooooooooo.

Last night I went to see Mike Birbiglia. He might be reading this right now since I wrote his name - he gets Google alerts when he's mentioned on the internet. Hi Mike. It was funny. Really funny. Seeing comedy is great because strangers are laughing together. It's very uniting. Maybe a comedian should run for president. I would vote for Mike if he ran for the presidential office - but he won't. He has anxiety.

Actually, I may have to retract my previous statement about voting for a comedian running for president, at least not right now. Hellooo, the world is falling apart. I need someone who can fix it and, even though laughter may be the best medicine, I'm not sure that's what I have in mind. Also Barack Obama is going to be the next president. Yes, he is. Oh, also Barack Obama was in Philadelphia today but I didn't get to see him because I was at work. Yep, still at work. Still stuck at work. I'm stuck here. At work. Stuck. Fuck.

You know, this is great though. All of these things I would be saying out loud if there was anyone here but, really, who needs to hear what I'm saying? I don't even know if anyone is reading what I'm saying. But that is the beauty of my blog - I can say whatever I want, get it all out there, without needing anyone else around.

Mission accomplished. Now if only I could get home...

I'm going to watch clips of Weekend Update online. Bye.

the hot seat

Sometimes I feel like Sarah Palin. Normally these feelings wash over me when I am being asked a lot of really hard questions and lots of people are looking at me. Fortunately for me, hard questions are "can you tell me about the fine arts department?" and lots of people usually means about 10 most of which may or may not be 18 yet.

I can't even watch her interviews. She stumbles and chokes on words and my ears burn out of embarrassment for her, like when a friend does a really bad job in a high school talent show. I'm glad I don't have to comfort Sarah Palin, though - I just get to talk shit about her like everyone else these days. I'm glad the Sarah Palin train is now a shit talking train and not a supportive train. I'm glad people in this country, and even in her own party, are recognizing she isn't ready for the White House. Nothing personal. You tried your best. You just were a little flat when you sang the bridge from "You are the Wind Beneath My Wings" (high school talent show).

I wonder if she misses her old life, before she was discovered at a mall in Alaska.

Will she get to keep all her new shoes?

My job requires me to talk for an hour straight during information sessions. It is really hard to talk for an hour. Based on the premise of this blog, you might think it would be easy for a person like me to talk, talk, talk. Really, you'd be right. The difference is that it's not as easy to talk about something specific that requires many details. However, my ability to talk, talk, talk does come in handy when I'm trying to string sentences together so I can make it to the next topic. Words just fall out of my mouth while my brain works to remember what I'm supposed to say. Thanks, tongue, you sure are good at what you do.

Doesn't that seem like it could be taken out of Sarah Palin's diary? Maybe I should go into politics, too.

ah, the boiling rage

Dear God, why is my heart beating so fast right now? At first I think, "blame it on the coffee" but I know the real reason:

November 4th.

Does anyone know how to get in touch with Bill Clinton? I need to tell him something. I need to implore him to help what I fear is a struggling Democratic Party. We're not drowning or anything, just splashing around in the water not sure which way to swim. Thanks to John McCain's stupid waves of lies our boat has been rocked.

Lies, lies, lies. I can't believe politicians at this level can say things that are so untrue and people don't seem to mind. Where is the outrage? Where is the action? Where is Barack Obama, the first presidential candidate who is an advocate for the issues I care about? In my heightened state, I want him to go straight for the jugular. KILL! I mean, um, MAIM!

Sarah Palin lies every day! Every day! The script she sticks to on the campaign trail is full of 'em. She didn't sell her stupid jet on ebay, she didn't fire the governor's chef - she gave the chef a new title and had them continue to cook for her children. She didn't oppose the bridge to no where until it was clear proposal for the bridge was going, well, no where. And, of course, she was able to keep the money earmarked for the project and spent it elsewhere - an obvious commitment to reform.

She charged a per diem for the time she was living in Wasilla - close to 20,000 dollars billed to the state of Alaska for time she was in her own home.

Sarah Palin passed a bill as Governor that put the burden of paying for rape kits (anywhere from 5-10,00 dollars) on the victim instead of the state. Alaska has the highest incidents of rape and incest of any state in the country.

Governor Palin has never met a foreign official or leader but claims other VP candidates haven't either. Thankfully, this claim is untrue. Other presidential candidates have had enough sense to appoint someone with more experience (the dreaded buzz word) as their running mates. No other vice presidential candidate has had a non-existent international resume.

OK, I'm done.

Republicans are Stupid

I am so hooked on the presidential election. I listen to NPR, read blogs, articles, and op-eds about it, and force myself to swallow the bile rising in my throat in order to watch the Republican National Convention.

Republicans are stupid. Their Botox doctor must have slipped a few times and sent the needle directly into their brains. They've set up a tanning mist booth backstage so all the old people look more orange (not less old). I think the whole thing is so produced, so gimmicky. God, it's so staged!

Last night Cindy McCain was holding Sarah Palin's 5 month old son with Down Syndrome - best prop ever! Best drugged prop ever, I'm sure. No babies are the sleepy and silent in a roaring crowd of people chanting "USA" and "Drill Now!" Also, another highlight was when the baby's 6-8 year old sister licked her hand, top to bottom, so she could smooth his hair out. What a nice, long lick for democracy.

Sarah Palin doesn't believe global warming exists. How can you deny our presence on the earth for hundreds of years has had an effect on the atmosphere? Have you seen the exhaust coming out of the car you so proudly drove to work after you fired previous governor of Alaska's driver? It matters.

She also did a lot of winking. She's kind of like a cowboy but not a good cowboy. A cowboy that won't even buy your land from you before she starts drilling. A cowboy that will shot your dog (but not abort your baby) and take it.

Finally, I don't appreciate her mocking tone especially regarding Obama's work as a community organizer who "has no real responsibilities". I think she needs to get off her high horse, or high moose, and recognize the responsibility we all have to work with communities in need.

Read this, it's funny:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/31/opinion/31dowd.html

Ms Midday Musings

My shoes.

I got the cutest shoes yesterday. They are a goldenrod color with a little strap and some darling loafer like fringe on the round toe. I love these shoes. But no one else does.I come from a world where people always compliment you (me) on clothes. People like what I wear, let's be honest. Friends, strangers, men, women. But, yet, no one has said anything today about my cute outfit! Yes, it goes beyond the shoes. I am also wearing a new dress. You can compliment that too but the shoes are what makes this outfit perfect.

The bathroom.

Because I am wearing such distinct shoes, I went to the downstairs bathroom so no one would know it was me when they saw my shoes (while going to the bathroom may be part of what it means to be alive, that doesn't mean I have to admit to anyone (other than the whole world) that I go to the bathroom at work (or blog at work for that matter)). While I was in the stall, I noticed some words engraved on the door hinge. The words said "Hiney Hider" and the 2 H's were made of a picture of a stall. Funny. Even funnier, I just googled Hiney Hider and all I found were blogs by women about the how silly Hiney Hider is. Then, when I was washing my hands, a woman came in with 2 small dogs. She went in the stall and made them stay by her by petting them with both hands while she peed. All I could see were dogs, hands, and pants around the ankles.

The Olympics.

I am effing in love with the Olympics. Some people judge me for this because China is crazy but I don't care. I love the emotional aspect of it all. I'm probably the only person in the world who watches intense athletic competitions because of the way it makes me feel - aka I cry. I cry when they win, I cry when they loose. I cry when they cry because they won or lost. I cry when they play the National Anthem. I cry when they show highlight reels of Michael Phelps. God, I love it. I wish Micheal Phelps was hotter though. I wish he looked like this:


I am that girl.

Someone just said to me, "Oh, I hear you really like TV". What does that mean? It means someone else told that person that "All Rachel talks about it TV" or "God, if Rachel loves TV so much, why doesn't she marry it?" The worst part is then I wonder if I really do love TV and, if so, is that a bad thing? I guess I'm supposed to go running or read or something instead. Even if I do like TV, I don't want to be known at the girl who likes TV.

I want to be known as the girl with the cute shoes.

The end.

I Do This

Here are all the internet windows/tabs I have open right now:

1. blog

2. facebook

3. perezhilton

4. ny times

5.myspace music - katy perry

Do you like that pop? I do.